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all orders and shower at least on-- week. a " They repeated,
choking on the saliva that filled their mouths -as they smelled the succulent
thoat flesh, then eagerly grabbed the chunks he hacked off with his sword.
"Mighty fine vittles, is it not? Smoked it myself And while you munch I'll
tell you what we must do. It seems that that Princess Dejah Vue, whom ah am
passionately in love with, was returning from the air plant, where all the air
on this planet is made, when her party was attacked by a marauding war party
of cruel green men led by the cruelest of all. Tars Tookus. Her companions
were all butchered horribly, her riding thoat was killed-you just ate part of
it ah didn't want it go to waste-and she was abducted by Tars Tookus and his
repellent horde."121 "Were you there?" Bill asks miffedly. "No. To mah
everlastin' regret ah arrived on the scene too late-or none of those fiends
would have survived. I read all that transpired in their tracks in the
trackless moss for ah am a mighty hunter and tracker. No other could find a
trail in the moss. I alone, trained by Apache warriors. . ." "Could we save
the ego-trip until later?" Meta implored. "You are correct, Ma'am, ah do
apologize. Where was I?" "Tracking the green girl-grabbers across the
trackless wastes." "Yes, of course. I could not attack their encampment
singlehandly, so I was returning to the city of Methane for reinforcements
when ah heard your voices. By enlisting your aid I will save many days march
and we can take them by surprise." Meta swallowed the last morsel and wiped
her hands on the tall grass. "Got anything to wash that down with?"
"Of a certainty, Ma'am." He handed her his leathern drinking bottle and she
glugged deeply. "That is kvetch, made from fermented thoat's milk."
"Tastes like it too," she yekked, spitting out lumps of it. "How many of these
greenies do we have to fight?" "One, two, more. Ah'm not so good at mah
numbers. Just killing." "One or two, OK," Bill said, gagging on the kvetch.
"We can handle that. If it is going to be a big number, like more, we are
going to need help. You better enlist our friend back there, Mark I
Fighting Devil." "That is rightly an ugly and dangerous critter,122
that is why ah did not approach. Is it your metal slave?" "Hardly. But it
will obey orders. Wait here and I'll bring it back." The dragon, which had
polished off all the broken branches and was contentedly puffing green smoke,
was now working on the hanging vines; a length of one hung like spaghetti from
its mouth. It waved a languid paw at Bill and pulled down another vine.
Fighting Devil was not enjoying its stay quite as well. It sat on a dry rock
with its legs tucked up under it. "Got some work for you," Bill said, but
it never moved. "Is it dead?" Bill asked the dragon. "Not quite. Got its
power shut down to save its batteries." "That's great. How do I get to talk
to it then?" "Seems pretty obvious. Use the phone." Bill walked around
the rock and saw that there was a metal box on its back with strange and
cabalistic characters stamped on it. "Is this it? Looks like AT&T."
"You got it in one." Bill broke his last remaining nail prying the box
open. He took out the handset and spoke into it. "Hello-anyone home?" It
crackled and rustled in his ear. "This is a recorded message. The Fighting
Devil is powered down right now. If you would like to leave a message it will
get back to you as soon as possible. . ." "Show some life, will you. We got
work to do." But the response was only silence. Bill cursed and put the phone
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back on the hook, slammed the123 box shut. Then he saw that the open lid
had concealed a red button labeled FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY "That's more like
it," he said and pressed hard. The results were quite dramatic.
The Fighting Devil's legs punched down hard and shot the creature high into
the air. As it fell sheets of raw energy crackled lambently, shells burst in
the surrounding forest, while a siren hooted insanely. Bill dived behind
the dragon as bullets clanged off its metal hide. "I tried to warn you,"
the dragon said. "But you were so impetuous." "What's the emergency?"
Fighting Devil shouted, spinning its optics in all directions. "There's no
emergency," Bill said, hesitantly leaving cover. "I wanted to talk to you.
.." "That's what the phone is for. IC is a violation to press the emergency
button if there is no. . ." "Will you please shut up and listen!
We've got a little job to do." "Since when? All I have to do is sit on my
can for a couple of weeks while the dragon regenerates its wing. How is it
going?" Fighting Devil extended a pickup towards the dragon who pointed
with a claw at a metal bulge on its side. "Going great." Bill was getting
angry. "Listen here, Fighting Devil, its time to live up to your name. We got
more to do than sit around and watch the dragon's wing grow. There's a war
going on out there." "You're welcome to it. Powering down now. All systems
gone. Ten. . . nine..." "Hold it! You were ordered to take orders from
me!"124 "No way, squishy one. I was ordered by the great Zots to rescue the
other squishy and bring you both back alive. That's the limit of my
responsibility. Night-night..." "No! Hold it right there. You've got to
bring us back, right? And we have to wait here for two weeks. But if Meta and
I don't eat we'll die. Now we have made a deal for food in exchange for a
little bit of fighting. But we need your help, get that? So you have to come
with us." "Impeccable chain of logic I would say," the dragon said. "I'll
be here when you get back." You could hear the wheels spinning as Mark I
tried to think of a way out of this one. There was no escape. Lights came on
and motors hummed as it switched back to full power. "Well," it said, with
philosophic resignation. "It's better for a Fighting Devil to fight than to
estivate-so let's get on with the job. Where's the war?"C H A P T E R
13125Jonkarta was very suspicious of Bill's companion. He stood behind
Meta, sword in one hand, his weapon in the other. "Don't come any closer,
hear!" he ordered. "This here rifle fires radium bullets that will go right
through your tin friend." Meta shied away from him. "Are you crazy or
something? Radium? You must glow in the darkand have the life expectancy of a
gerbil!" "Ah admit that the new radium bullets do glow in the dark-and
explode in the dark as well. So beware! The old ones, fired at night, did not
explode until the sun's rays struck them next day. But no more. Can you trust
that creature?" "It obeys orders-and that's enough. Now put that gun down.
And stay as far away from us as possible." "If this metal critter is to
join the cause it must take an oath of allegiance..." "Never!" Fighting
Devil boomed out in a brazen voice. "Loyalty cannot be subdivided and I have
swom an oath in oil to golden Zots, my liege lord. But I will follow and I
will obey instructions in order to keep my ward, this squishy one here, alive
-so you are going to have to settle for that, bud."126 "Ah'm not sure..
." "Well I am," Bill said, tired of the entire stupid argument. "And this
thing is not human in any case, it's just a machine. . ." "I am not just a
machine'!" Fighting Devil grated. "Hold it there!" Meta shouted, but no one
was listening. "There's one way to settle this," she muttered, raised her
weapon and shot all three of them. The shouting ended at once. Bill and
Jonkarta instantly fell to the ground, dragged down by the three gravities
projected by the gun. Even Fighting Devil ground its gears helplessly. Meta
sat on a fallen log and hummed to herself as she wove a circlet of wild
flowers. As the charge wore off they began to stir and moan. She patted the
flowers into place on her head, stood and stretched. "Now that the argument
is over-can we maybe get this war over with as well?" "We march,"
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