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Did you know there is a dating service for busy executives (workaholics)? Yes, there is, it is called It's Just Lunch. After paying a rather hefty fee ($1000 to
$1500), staff do all of the footwork, arrange the lunch and coordinate busy schedules. Members can remain firmly affixed to their keyboards or telephones until
the entire meeting has been orchestrated. I wonder how many of the members actually attend the first meeting. This illustrates the theory that our culture supports the
workaholic ethic. There are many such successful services just waiting for the overachiever (or his/her secretary) to pick up the phone.
Case Study #1: Bobby and Denise
Bobby and Denise have been married for four years. They have a one-year-old daughter, Lauren. They are twenty-eight and this is the first marriage for both.
Bobby is a slightly overweight attorney with a large firm. His firm specializes in worker injuries. He has worked there since he graduated from law school. Denise
works at a private school for gifted children, tutoring in conversational Russian. She chose to work part-time after Lauren was born. Denise had hoped that she and
Bobby would be the Waltons. However, Denise has been disappointed by Bobby's zealous devotion to the American work ethic. She had envisioned him spending
long romantic hours in front of the fireplace with her, and playing and reading bedtime stories to little Lauren.
She asked Bobby to come home for dinner as often as possible. Denise believes families should share their day with each other at the dinner table. Her mother
and father were emphatic about gathering for dinner; no excuses were allowed. Bobby usually arrives home in time for dinner every couple of weeks. She and
Lauren eat alone or go to her parent's home. He normally eats at work with other ambitious young attorneys in his firm. He is terrified that the senior partners might
notice an empty chair at his desk.
Bobby and Denise have not taken a vacation together since their honeymoon. Denise has been beseeching Bobby to take a long weekend to go to Disney World.
He keeps putting her off saying he has too much work to do. He insists, You don't make partner by going to Disney World. He complains that she doesn't take
his work seriously enough and she is trying to hold him back. Their love life has gone into a downward spiral. He is too tired for lovemaking and she is too
despondent.
Denise has asked him to go to couple's counseling with her. He refused saying, There is nothing wrong with me. I am trying to get ahead so I can give you and
Lauren the good things in life. I am the one paying all the bills. Grow up for god's sake! Denise feels unheard and unappreciated. She is seriously considering
filing for a separation. Interestingly, Bobby also feels unheard and unappreciated.
BOBBY'S MANIPULATIVE TECHNIQUES
Blaming: There is nothing wrong with me. If there is nothing wrong with Bobby, then their arguments must be Denise's fault. He also attempts to avoid
blame by turning around and blaming Denise.
You are unreasonable: Grow up for god's sake! Bobby implies, rather strongly, that Denise is immature, and if she would only think like an adult she would
understand.
Empty promises: He makes promises to change, but never follows through. He uses this popular manipulation rather than working with Denise to find
solutions to their issues.
You are not important: I am the one paying all the bills. In other words, why is she bothering him with details? He is the bread winner, brings home the
bacon, and is important. Obviously, what she wants is not important.
Bobby and Denise are not without options. Generally, a Workaholic can be persuaded that change is necessary and part of that change will be his responsibility,
especially if he fears losing his family. Since Bobby refuses to go to therapy, it would be a good idea for Denise to go alone. In this case, her goal would be to learn
how to approach Bobby in ways that are effective and do not further harm an already fragile relationship. A word of caution, if one seeks individual therapy and
grows as a person and the spouse does not, the relationship may suffer. Denise should discuss this risk with the therapist during the first session.
Karen and Charles are also vigorously discussing work and relationship commitments. Let's listen in on their rather heated conversation.
Case Study #2: Charles and Karen
Case Study #2: Charles and Karen
Karen and Charles have been living together for two years. They work at a large urban automobile dealership. They were classmates in college and started dating in
their senior year. Karen is a tall, slim brunette and Charles is redheaded six-footer. She is a successful salesperson and he is the overcommitted finance officer.
Karen has many interests. She works her forty hours and goes home to read, talk to friends, bake luscious desserts or run with her German Shepherd. When they
were dating, Charles enjoyed doing these things with her. They also went to all the good movies and attended theater performances.
As is usual when beginning new careers, both Karen and Charles were enthusiastic employees. They arrived at work early, learned all they could and left
reluctantly at the end of each day. After a few months, Karen began to settle into a routine and spent more time on her interests. Charles lurched the other direction
and spent more and more time in his small, cramped office. Karen frequently called him to ask when he was coming home. He would say, It will be just a few
minutes, I am almost finished. It was never a few minutes and she would call back again.
She grew frustrated with trying to have a relationship with a ghost. Karen began to believe she was the only one interested in their relationship. Charles always
had excuses. Excuses did not keep Karen warm at night. Her frustration grew into anger and Charles became resentful. He told her not to call him at work. He said,
I will be home when I get home & don't interrupt me. His share of the household chores was seldom, if ever, completed. Karen carried the entire responsibly for
maintaining their apartment, cooking, and buying groceries. When she confronted Charles about the inequity in their relationship he accused her of nagging. He
reminded her that his salary was stable; her salary depended on sales. This is a very popular ploy.
Couples Therapy at the Movies: When I saw her in counseling (to resolve lingering pain) her story reminded me of the Charles Dickens'Yuletide classic, A
Christmas Carol. As you may remember, young Scrooge lost the woman he loved when he became immersed in accumulating wealth. Later, as he reflected on his
past (at the behest of the Ghost of Christmas Past), losing that gentle creature was one of his most agonizing regrets. Karen decided to buy the film and watch it
with Charles as her last desperate effort before walking away. Miracles happen, the timeless story worked its magic and Charles at last began to understand the price
he was paying for the privilege of working himself to death. His transformation was not spectacular, but it was sincere and it was a beginning.
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